the black lullaby

I’d like to call it the definition of two people wanting two extremes of the same thing.

Ok so maybe it’s slightly complicated but doesn’t make it any less true now does it? Happens all the time, we enter into relationships, partnerships and collaborations – the outcome of each of these things maybe the same, but the need of each party not even near similar to the other.

That’s how life works and so we have to accept it I suppose, but why?

Because we would be stupid to challenge the general laws of the way things are meant to work?

Because we shouldn’t question something that doesn’t have an answer?

Because we’re better off not trying to understand what we never will?

Like I said it’s complicated.

For a long time now I’ve always believed in getting to the bottom of things because everything has a reason to why it happens. I’ve looked for explanations because I’ve always looked for a sense of order in life.

Not any more.

I’ve given up looking for those reasons and for those answers because it’s pointless really. One individual may want something while the other wants something else, but if you’re both getting what you want out of the same deal then why complicate things by trying to dig deeper?

It may not be the happiest form of life, but it’s certainly convenient. And after some time you realize that convenience is better than absence.

In other words, go ahead, let them have sex if they want to, doesn’t mean you can’t make love at the same time.

B

Can you hear them?

My love, my darling, my friend,

Are they coming?

Is it just the beginning or is it the end?

The Valkyries have fled the land,

Now just cause rules no more,

The trumpets note the war at hand,

I see the rising foe,

They’ve persecuted all my kin,

They’ve taken all we had,

Their weapons hurt beneath my skin,

My whole world’s turned to black,

The Sirens sing a ghastly tune,

Its sweetness summons death,

The stillness of the midnight moon,

Calls out for tears and breath,

The heavy pounding hands of fate,

Rip through the sands of time,

Where is this place? Is this hell’s gate?

Tell me, what’s my crime?

The Furies’ call sinks deep within,

Unwinding wicked deeds,

Recalling each and every sin,

Is this my heart that bleeds?

Grace and mercy, truth and light,

Vanished, gone for good,

Cursed into everlasting night,

With nightmares as my food,

The Harpies hold an evil grudge,

Their claws have scarred my face,

I feel nothing, no kiss, no touch,

And here I rest my case,

Can you hear them?

Can you feel the ground crumble and quake?

Do you fear them?  

My love, are you awake?

Brandon Ingram 

PS. Just so you guys know, this disturbs me very much… Don’t know why I wrote it.

Love – it’s a strange word. Sure, it’s just four letters that imply some form of emotion but have you ever thought of the weight it carries?

It is this same love that morphs into exhilaration as time goes by. It makes you believe that nothing is impossible. The world is yours to take, and change.

It is this exhilaration that morphs into satisfaction. You are suddenly content with everything around you and you believe that nothing can come in the way of your happiness. You want for nothing else because you’ve got it all.

It is this satisfaction that morphs into comfort. You wake up every morning knowing what your day will be like and that gives you a sense of relief that you believe you’ve longed for your entire life.

This is where you want to be. You wouldn’t rather be anywhere else because this is the one place where you are truly happy.

It is this comfort that morphs into insecurity. You start to wonder if things are too good to be true. You spend nights on ending trying to figure out when the next shoe is going to drop. You wait for the cosmic balance to spit out something bad in your direction, just because it’s been good to you all along.

It is this insecurity that morphs into bitterness. You grow weary with what you have because you can see the things around you are far, far better. You want out because of how mundane your life has become. You are irritated by the predictability that now rules your days and ruins your nights.

It is this bitterness that morphs into distance. You create between you and the ones you call your own, a barrier. You’ve put up a wall that you say you want no one to scale over, but you’re really wishing someone would. Your life has become directionless and you wish you were somewhere else, doing something else. You don’t care, you want out.

It is this distance that morphs into hate. There is a need within you for vengeance and you can’t explain where it springs from. You don’t know the exact moment in which it was born but you know that it is now a part of you and you can’t turn your back on it no matter how hard you try.

You try and retrace your steps, you try to make amends but somehow you don’t have it in you to make the effort.

And to think that all of this started with those four letters that spell out love.

hey there,

i’ve been awfully silent the past few days and the reason behind this being that i was in hospital recovering from some crazy infection. better now but getting some rest before i get back to work in a week’s time.

Interestingly enough while I was lying there in that hospital bed, it gave me a lot of time to think about things that I wouldn’t have thought of otherwise and I have to say it did bring in a lot of perspective and added a lot of color to things that seemed to stand out in either black or white.

I learnt that most people you work with, are just that, people you work with. They are nothing more or less. No matter what sort of relationship you try to drum up with them or no matter how deeply you think of them and you as ‘friends’, the truth is, they’re not.

Their duty to you lies only as long as your work with them remains under control. Beyond that point, they could give a fuck about how your life is shaping out. The sad part is that there are some of us who tend to think and dig deeper than that. We attempt making ourselves out to be pillars of support and this is when we give over and above our job requirement – because we feel a PERSONAL need to do so. Bullshit, that’s not how they do it and from now on, that’s not the way it’s going to be done with me.

I learnt that true friends would make fools of themselves at the risk of everyone else thinking they’ve gone insane just so it would bring a smile to your face.

It’s shocked me to think that I could have ever found such genuinely caring people to call my friends, but I have and I am thankful to them, for being there, for making me smile, for taking care of me and for guiding me now and again, just when I was about to fall or give up or make a mistake.

I learnt that KARMA is very real, there is no good or bad in this world, there is only the result of what we’ve done as individuals to others and to ourselves. It is our deeds that come back to haunt or reward us, to plague or console us, to give us strength or tear us apart from within.

I learnt that some people never learn.

They go through the hottest fire and when they’ve fallen along the way with no support whatsoever, you step in to help them. You pull them out of the burning flames and you give them everything they need to go on. You hope they’ll come out of their horrible, horrible ways and turn a new leaf because life has taught them some bitter lessons. But they never learn, they keep on making them and making them.

I learnt that sometimes a happy life is dependant on a cold heart.

You’ve given everything you’ve got and all you expect is a little understanding, it never comes. It is then time to bring out the guns and declare the damn war because that’s what it’s going to take to live a life of respect. Some of us have hearts that cause us to feel way more than we should, so we try and try and try to please everyone around us and in the process, we forget to please ourselves. If we are ever to gain any respect from anyone, then at times it is important to remind them of how much they need us and to do that, you need to let your heart grow as cold as you can, you’d be surprised at how it makes you think and also, of the outcome.

So all this being learnt, I’ll be spending the rest of the week at home resting, so if I don’t log in too often, excuse me, but I’ll be back soon.

I love you all loads…

B.