the black lullaby

It was about half past nine in the night when my uncle called us from work to tell us that it was snowing last night. I couldn’t believe my ears because for as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to see snow falling on Christmas Day. For some reason it made all the sense in the world because you see it in the movies all the time and as a child that’s what you make Christmas out to be right?

As I stood by my cousin’s bedroom window watching the snow fall down in torrents my heart soared. There was so much of happiness in the moment that I could’t describe it even if I wrote pages and pages. I was so excited I told my cousin that we needed to go out immediately!

So we put on our winter clothes and other stuff that would keep us from getting sick in the cold outside. Soon as we were well kitted up we both ran outside like a bunch of five year olds seeing snow for the first time (well it was the first time I’ve seen it fall and on Christmas Day!) So we ran outside and we kept on jumping up and down, running from one end to the other of the parking lot of my Uncle and Aunt’s apartment building. My cousin also suggested that we should run around with our tongues sticking out, so we did… Ha ha ha…

We went for a walk around the block and totally milked the snow situation for all its worth, fabulous, fascinating and truly fullfilling experience might I add.

Even as I write this post, I’m almost completely packed and ready to come back to Colombo. It’s not that I don’t have a lot to come back to (as a matter of fact, I have something very special to come back to), but there’s always something about leaving your loved ones behind. The past two weeks have been BRILLIANT! Christmas has truly been Christmas again after many, many years. I’m going to miss my family so deeply…

And I’ve fallen in love with Venice. Its scenery, its roads, its architecture, its people and its culture. But as they say… all good things…

The snowfall was a cold reminder of the fact that my holiday had come to an end (because the weather man said it would snow when it was time for me to leave, he really did, on Channel 5 News)

I guess I’m coming back home, but I feel like I’m leaving home behind as well…

One afternoon at church a very very long time ago, I ran in because I was late and on my way in I met one of those old aunties that I’m  ever so fond of. Her name was Iko and she was of Japanese origin although her family had lived in Sri Lanka for years. I still remember how she and her sister Marguirite would sit in the pew in front of us and sing all the hymns by heart.

On this particular day when I met her, I almost jumped on her and said: ‘Merry Christmas Aunty!’

She wished me, then held me by the shoulders and looked into my eyes through her big glasses and said: ‘Son, whenever you wish someone at this time of the year, be sure to tell them to have a Blessed Christmas and a Hopeful New Year.’

I never understood why then but now I see that a wish this special needs to have words that are equally special. More than the merriment are the blessings that we should all be truly thankful for and stronger than the happiness that surrounds us is the hope we have in our hearts for a better life in the future.

So in memory of Aunty Iko, who is no longer with us, I would like to wish all of you a Blessed Christmas and a Hopeful New Year.

Loads of love, always…

B.

What a feeling, what a feeling indeed. When the bus stopped at the Venezia depot, I saw the massive bridge that was made from stone and glass that needed to be crossed to enter central Venice. Walking over the bridge my eyes danced under the sunlight as they were touched by a view so breathtaking, it was almost a sin. Lots of houses and boats and people walking around busily without a care in the world. It was as though they didn’t seem to be affected by the beauty of the place that surrounded them. Why? I didn’t know but to see such a beauty was truly a blessing and it was one that I was most thankful for.

As I stepped over the bridge and into the city, my aunt would occassionally point out to a landmark building or a pleasant sight along the way and play the role of a guide. The architecture of the buildings that now came into view were magnificent! Past the railway station and into marble paved streets, it was like time had suddenly shifted.

Here I came face to face with an endless row of shops that sold souvenirs and Murano glassware and Masks… beautiful, beautiful masks. Rich in color, grand in design and yet simple as hell. I put one of them on for fun but through the eyes of that mask, it was as though I was now looking at Venice itself as a patron of the arts who’d decided to walk secretly amongst the unsuspecting crowds.

I would have bought the whole of Venice (I kid you not) had my aunt and uncle not occassionally stepped in and reminded me that we had not even walked a qaurter of the distance. As it turns out there was a destination to this journey that seemed like one with no end. So we walked ahead. Meeting new people, smiling at them, talking to them… It is absolutely worth mentioning these people. So hospitable, so kind, so friendly. I’ve never met a foreign group of people who were so bloody nice. Even with the year I spent in the US, not even the Sri Lankans who lived there were as nice as the Venicians who I didn’t know from Adam.

My aunt was my bargaining chip for the day. She would happily come to my rescue whenever I pulled my wallet out to spend whatever was asked of me and speak to the men and women in Italian and ask them if that was their last price. Not long after, my cousin finished school and joined us on our journey with her Venician boyfriend. Those two lovebirds were on a different plane altogether though, and who could blame them? We were in Venice!

You can imgine my shock to be sitting down at a McDonald’s for lunch, but then again, it was McDonald’s and don’t they have a rule about being everywhere anyway? Later on as we passed the Gondolas along the way we smiled and waved at the boatsmen who were dressed in their traditional outfit, caps with ribbons and all. 

About seventeen bridges and ten shopping bags later, we finally arrived at the destination… Town Square, the St. Marco Piazza, the biggest in the whole of Venice. As I stood in the centre of it I was overwhelmed. There were piegons flying around everywhere and people feeding them while couples had friendly passers by take their photographs. Behind me was the Basilika and a few feet away was where the boats arrived to take us back to where our journey had begun.

I stood on the boat watching the water sway in delightful motion as the cold air kissed my face. Over the sounds of the many conversations that were taking place in the boat I was on I watched my cousin rest her chin on her boyfriend’s shoulder and then I turned around to see what she was looking at behind me. As the city got smaller and smaller before me, I heard my cousin say: ‘Ah Venezia, Veneiza’.

My thoughts exactly.

Dinner table conversation in my family has always been interesting. A slight hint of an old story and we usually all go rushing down memory lane. Last night was no different. A thick fog had settled in outside, the cold wind was brushing against the windows and inside the warmth of my Aunt & Uncle’s kitchen, we settled down for a profound recap of events gone by.

As the wine was knocked back glass after glass (by me more than anyone else), I felt as though I had turned on the History Channel – Ugly Segment. The riveting tales that flew across the room didn’t go down as smoothly as the wine. To hear things of those I loved and respected and believed to be the epitome of goodness, was not comforting, but it was necessary for the soul. It was important in a way for me to understand that at times we judged ourselves too harshly for in comparison to the generation that has gone by, we could be labelled saints.

Then suddenly, I began wondering what it would be like when we had children someday (hopefully). What would it do to them to occassionally hear of something we’d done in our youth? How would they take it? Would we be able to right their wrongs and show them the right path when we ourselves have travelled on such rocky routes? I didn’t want to think of it.

I must have gone through at least four cigarettes or more, one after the other, during the discussion. I managed my bravery through the rest of time with my glass of wine. It’s real easy to tell ourselves that we understand or that we can deal with it or that it happens to all of us. But dirt still tastes bitter when you eat it.

As I covered myself up with about four blankets last night, I came to the conclusion that I didn’t really know any of the people that I knew. No one. They were all strangers really. And that scared me. What am I saying? I was more than scared, I was petrified!

The last thing I remember thinking before my eyes closed, was… would they be as petrified, if they knew the things they didn’t know about me?

That’s what the Venicians call the High Tide, when the water rises above knee level making everything rather wet and messy in Venice. This is all I’ve been hearing on the news for the past few days whenever the weather report comes up. But can you imagine watching the rain in this beautiful place. It’s like a dream come true.

Last evening, my uncle decided that we should all go out on a ‘giro’ or drive, to a little town about forty five minutes away from Maerne called Jeselo. There was some paperwork that needed to be done on the new car he’d purchased so my aunt, my cousin and myself joined him together with Allan, the guy who was selling the car, as we drove down to Jeselo.

At first there was nothing much to see, just cars and trucks and hotels and the normal stuff you know. Then, about fifteen minutes after we had driven past Marco Polo, we were on the highway. The scenes started to morph almost immediately. Where there were tall buildings and bridges there were now fields that spread across for miles and miles. Ancient buildings that looked as though they belonged in an old French movie. The car was moving at high speed but my eyes were transfixed on the details of everything that passed me by.

Vinyards that had withered away in the cold weather, humbly awaiting their turn to blossom fruitfully once again in spring. Lakes that were near frozen, only disturbed by the flicking of rain droplets that came down in disorganized motion. We were soon passing an area that looked very much like the country. Beautiful houses secreted nicely between the shady trees, whose branches were now wet with the cold December rain.

Long pathways that went on for miles and miles with water on either side, making me wonder what the walk would have felt like. And the sky… oh that beautiful sky. It was like it was crying one moment and the laughing the next. A series of mixed emotions painted themselves along the various cloud formations that twirled in and out of perfect shape as they spat out needles of rain that hit my window.

When we arrived in Jeselo, the first thing we saw was a large Christmas tree decorated at town sqaure. Christmas decorations were everywhere, they were even hanging off the telephone wires that moved from one house to the next. I was half expecting Santa to knock on my window and inform me of my good or bad status prior to Christmas Eve.

During the drive back to Maerne I listened to my uncle and Allan chatting away in the front of the car. After some time I was surprised at the fact that I had begun to understand them. My uncle was talking about me and he was telling Allan that I refused to get out of the house unless he and my aunt came with me, like I was a child (which is true), and then he said that he’d taken the next day (today) off work so that we could go visit Central Venice and he hoped that the rain would stop in order for us to do so.

When I woke up this morning my aunt was just about ready to leave for work but she waited for the weather reportl, it was important because that’s how you knew if you should take your high water boots with you or not. I didn’t understand much of what was said but I saw that the temperature in Venice today would be a minimum of 5°C and a maximum of 10°C and best of all… I didn’ hear the words Aqua Alta, which meant that there was no high tide today.

Finally, we watched the Horoscope report and they said that I (a Virgo) had the protection of the Moon today, which also meant a lot of good luck and that it was a good day to win. I don’t know what context it was said in, but I’m going to try my hand at Bingo or something just in case.

Till next and next… CIAO!

Walking along the cold streets of a little town called Maerne, I see a woman riding her bicycle with a cigarette in one hand as she balances herself steadily crossing over a puddle. On the street corner there are posters of a new Adult Movie that’s now showing at theatres. The woman on the poster is not as young as she may have been once but the bosoms she cradles in her hand seductively are still promising.

There are Christmas decorations everywhere but none of them are lit up because the night hasn’t made an appearance yet. I see a church, well more like my attention was drawn to it the moment I heard the bell being tugged on. I’m told that this is where my cousin attends Sunday mass since she’s the only one who can understand the sermon in its absolute essence.

I begin to understand the way the roads work. I observe the lights as they change color when I pass them by. There is a slight drizzle but no one is complaining because the more it rains the less cold it gets during the winter season in Italy.

I’ve finally purchased my cigarettes and as I start smoking one I realize that it’s hard to tell the difference between the real smoke and my cold breath. But it’s nice because it makes me smoke less. On the other side of the road I see a couple holding hands and looking into each others’ eyes. What better place in the world to get romantic in than here, right?

I suddenly feel something strange happening inside me. It’s a warm feeling, which is strange considering the cold weather around me. But the feeling continues to grow. It’s that feeling of something calling out to me. Something that has been away from me for so long. Then to my horror, I realize what’s going on. That wall that I put up in front of me almost two years ago, that wall that had become my fortress in the time that had gone by, that wall that had been my protection, that wall… that wall was breaking… In a flash there I was, split in half. One part wanting to very desperately to rebuild my breaking wall. The other smiling at the sight of it collapsing.

The couple on the other side of the road hesitantly parted ways and I could hear the church bells chime once more. A voice echoed at me from the castle of Romeo & Juliet, which was not too far away from where I was standing. It said: parting is such sweet sorrow. I winced at how corny it sounded then smiled at how true it was. I looked back up and saw the couple turning around to look at each other once again. There it was, that spark. My smile suddenly transpired into shock as I felt a sharp object pierce through me. I touched my chest, where I had felt the pain, no it wasn’t pain, it was relief.

I turned around to look at the part of me that wanted to rebuild that wall. He was standing there with an emotionless look on his face. He had pulled out, in one harsh movement, the dagger that had been stuck in my heart for so long. Now I could hear it beating, I could feel it pounding again in my chest.

‘Look around you’ he said. ‘You’re here for a reason. Remember what it feels like and feel again.’ I was grateful for the relief I now felt but I was still cautious. ‘But I’m scared.’ I heard myself saying. He laughed at me. ‘Of course you are. But that’s never stopped us before has it?’ And with that, he was gone.

I looked around at the beautiful city I was in with renewed vision and enhanced feeling. The wall was broken and I was standing at the threshold.

But as to whether or not it should be crossed was another question. And it was a question that I could save for another day. Right now, all that mattered was that I was here and my heart was beating.

Ah… Bellisima!

Last night as a I drifted off to sleep there was a strange sense of sedation that came over me. It was like I’d been drugged and I didn’t know how or why. While my eyelids, which were on red bull at the time I think, put up a strong fight to close themselves on me, I began moving on into another plane of existence. There were flashes of things that had taken place througout the months that had gone by and what better time for such things to take place than the end of the year ya?

My dreams carried me off to chapters in my life that I had closed a long time ago. I revisited them and observed them unfold and I told myself.. ‘move along my friend, you already wrote the end to these scenes’.

Coming face to face with a tarnished past is not pleasant, it never is. You spend so much of your life trying to find yourself and become a good person but then out of no where comes those memories and moments that show you the journey and the path that you’ve taken. The picture is a bitter, nasty one that you want to rip into pieces.

Why can’t we live in the NOW of things? Why must we always dwell on the times that have gone by? Must we care so deeply of how it all happened? Can’t we be content with the fact that it HAS happened and shouldn’t that be enough? For all the battles that have been fought, for all the tribulations that we’ve come through, don’t we deserve some happiness? I think we do.

As the eerie visuals kept churning out that ridiculous storm in my head, I suddenly woke up. I hugged the blanket close to me because it was cold, some 2° C cold… I realized then that I was not in that place that I called home. I was far, far away… I was in Venice, I am in Venice… Colombo and its inhabitants were nowhere around me.

As I sat in the kitchen not long after, pulling on the filtered end of an American Red cigarette, which the Italians referred to as ‘Benson Rosso’,  I decided that I wasn’t lost anymore. I was happy with my life (I know the smoking part makes that sort of ironic) and I was thankful to the God who gave me this life.

I am done letting opinions and remarks and statements of people get to me. Why should they? They ain’t living my life right? For the first time in years, I’ve felt like I was free… It is such a blissful feeling and I wish it on all of you. Don’t let your past get you down, it’s the NOW that matters. And if you need to live up to expectations, make sure they’re your expectations and no one else’s. Remember that always and have a blessed season.

Venice is fabulous by the way and I shall write about it whenever I have the chance.

me.

Ok first of all thanks for tagging me DD… anyway, i’m still not entirely sure what we’re supposed to do but I hear we’re supposed to write down some things that we did this year and how this Christmas is different to the others ya? Anyway, here goes.

This year has been most interesting because I think it’s been a year of tests, personally, professionally… I’ve been tested on many areas of my life, sometimes to see how strong I was and sometimes to see if I had what it took to get the job done.

This year I…

Acted in a Japanese play for the first time in my life.

Found a new job that I love.

Got a car.

Created and produced my biggest ever TV Commercial in my 6 years of advertising.

Was elected the President of the company’s club.

Found someone truly special.

And… am spending Christmas in VENICE!

don’t know who else to tag since everyone else already seems to have been taken! ai yi yi yi….

Well, well, well… Would you look at this, it’s been a century since I’ve had the time to blog!!! People are calling my blog a snorefest even!!!

Thing is, I’ve been running around like crazy and truth be told, I have lost touch with the outside world, but I recently found out that that’s not a bad thing after all… Why? Let me elaborate.

Two nights ago were the Reggies 2008, now you all know how much I love these award shows. Anyway, after it was done, we all headed out to R&B for some much required music and alcohol. The night was fantastic really but whilst moving through the evening, I got back in touch with the world that I had stepped out of briefly, and honestly, I was so happy that I hadn’t been around.

As I watched the people around me and listened to the things they said to me about each of their lives, well all he details I’d missed out on anyway, it came to me that the bad phases people go  through, are more often than not brought upon them by the people they hang out with. Two nights ago I was not part of the drama, simply an alien observer, and let me tell you, that’s the way to be!

As I sat there sipping my long island I noticed the secrets and tragedies that were taking place around me behind the masks of these people who covered their misery so well. It was like being in a Smirnoff TV Commercial and being able to see everything through the bottle, clearly.

Some of them were walking around with knives and others were wearing their hearts on their sleeves. Some of them had horns growing out of their heads and others were covered in clouds of smoke. It may have been the intoxication on my part but damn, to think that I used to be part of that masquerade.

I don’t know what happened to me along the way. Even reading through some of my older posts I see the anger and venom I’ve spit out mercilessly across pages of this blog. I’m trying but I can’t understand where it all came from now.

I missed all of you terribly though. My readers have always had a way of helping me with their advice as I moved along the way and not being able to share the various wonderful things that are happening around me now was kind of sad. But I want all you guys to know that I’ve been good, great actually… And I want to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart for being with me on this crazy ride.

I haven’t started feeling Christmassy yet for some strange reason, it usually gets to me by the first of the month but my workload might be stopping me from enjoying the feeling that’s waiting to take over.

The fabulous news is that I’m taking off to Venice for two weeks and I’ll be spending my Christmas there with my family. I can’t wait to leave and I’m really looking forward to it.

May you all have lots of joy in your lives, peace in your minds and love in your hearts. May you all be strong always. May almost every wish come true and may you all have a super cool Christmas.

Love like you can’t imagine from me…