the black lullaby

A few days ago the most amazing thing happened. When I was mildly intoxicated and having a really good time, I started to have a moment with someone I know. We were laughing at the things we were telling each other and our hands would occasionally touch. We told secrets in public and even looked at each other a couple of times to say things that we wouldn’t dream of saying out loud.

I knew deep inside me that this wonderful moment wouldn’t last beyond the night because it would all end and go back to normal. But I couldn’t help but think about what was going on. I found myself asking what if we could love each other just for a day? What if we could forget the world, our families, our friends, our backgrounds and everything else in between and just give each other all the love we could find within ourselves, only for one day?

How cool would that be? Loving someone just for a day.

It’s basically about experiencing the first day of a blossoming romance over and over and over again. You know how it feels like right? The first day of something that’s about to start… It’s really beautiful. Imagine living that day over and over and over again, but with different people… Of course, until you can find the one person who you’d like to live that day over and over again with for the rest of your life but seriously, not many of us are that lucky, are we?

Why must we complicate things by thinking of the future or by wanting to take a relationship to the next level or by wanting more? Why? Why can’t we just be happy with falling in love for a day?

I was so inspired by this I wrote a song. Here are the lyrics.

To drown in your morning until it’s night

To float in your sweetness when it seems right

To taste your inspiration till the stars shine down

To live in your shadow till the sun goes down

That’s all I want to do when I love you for a day

To run in your body possessed by your spell

To bathe in your heaven and burn in your hell

To dance in your heart where you can pretend

to love me as much before the story ends

That’s how I want it to be when I love you for a day

At midnight we’ll be strangers again

We’ll part way as partners and meet just as friends

I won’t shed no tears when you walk away

Cause all I want to do, is love you for a day…

PS. You wouldn’t know who you are even if you did read this, but thanks for the inspiration…

I stand at the top of a long staircase watching the dancing and merry making that’s taking place at the bottom. It’s not just the people who are dancing, it’s their lives, their emotions, their passions. I watch carefully, studying each and every one of them. Their steps are so full of life and vigor. I decide to join them. Walking down the staircase ever so slowly I see the ones who wear their hearts on their sleeve and the ones who hide their horns beneath the dim light.

The artful players of the game move aside and let me pass. The ones that are being played smile at me, their fate remains a mystery. The vertical expression of the horizontal intention continues. I’m amused, to say the least.

My eyes shift from one to the other.

I soon understand this to be a vicious gathering of fools and masterminds. Intriguing indeed. Half the folk here didn’t know what they were getting into. The other half had it all planned out. The bastards and whores would unleash themselves like bloodthirsty wolves on the unsuspecting sheep as soon as the clock struck twelve!

I did have a certain edge. The lack of a heart left me untouchable. I could easily warn the meek and mild of the treacherous end that awaited them. I could tell them to escape while they still had the chance, or for those who were willing to learn, I could teach them how to survive the pending disasters. I could save them or transform them, whichever suited the cause.

I used to be one of them after all. I remembered the vultures and the she-demons that devoured me when I used to dance so carelessly.

I stood in the centre of the room contemplating, pondering, reflecting.

I asked myself: Should I be merciful?

I answered my own question only once I was all the way up the stairs again. Five seconds to midnight.

Should I be merciful?

I think not.

When I got home after rehearsalst at 3 am today I walked into my bathroom and looked in the mirror. I looked misserable. My face looked drawn, my hair was ridiculous, my eyes were tearing (ok so maybe I was crying), my throat was messed up and I was falling asleep standing. I wanted to curl up into a corner and disappear, that’s how bad it was.

While I was in this mood I remembered the days when I was a regular church-goer. I suddenly missed all of my church friends and their words and their prayers. As I continued thinking of them I remembered something one of them had once said to me.

I was going through something similar and I asked why God was doing this to me. Why was he sending so many trials and tribulations my way? Why was it that everything I did was turning out to be so wrong? Why wasn’t he protecting me and saving me from becoming a nervous wreck?

My friend smiled and said this: ‘When you are the creator of something you are the only person who knows what it can do, what it is capable of, what it can take and what it can’t. God created you so he knows what your strengths and weaknesses are, what your abilities are and what your limit is. He would never let you go through more than you can handle because no creator wants their creation to be destroyed…’

The kind of strength that rose in me then was most amazing. I thought about the past few days and of everything that had gone wrong and all things that had happened and then I realized that if my friend was right then I was a far stronger person than I gave myself credit for. If God thought I could handle all of this and still be in one piece then who am I to argue? He made me, so he should know right?

I still feel a bit under the weather and I’m still feeling a little depressed, but at least now I know I can take it. I really can.

***

As I walked into work this morning and sat at my desk, I wanted to listen to some music. I wondered what would be approrpriate and I was immediately transported to three years back. The morning after I had made love to someone I really did love with all my heart, I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling. It was a day of complete and utter relaxation. It was a day in which nothing, absolutely nothing could go wrong. My room was the most beautiful place one could have asked to be in. It was surrounded with moments of pure ecstacy and cozy comforts. No one could touch me here. No one could hurt me. No one could say anything that would make me upset. I was happy, in that moment I was probably the happiest I’d ever been. I remember walking out of my room just to say hello to some aunts who had come to visit. They all said that I was glowing, if only they knew, or did they?

I remember sneaking back into my room and locking the door, snuggling back into bed and turning on my DVD player to continue watching season two of One Tree Hill. On one of the episodes they played this song that just connected with my mood so well, I didn’t know why but I just had to stand up and dance… It was a complete feeling of freedom and bliss.

When I got to work the next day I looked the song up, downloaded it and listened to it over and over again. The song is called Sun’s Gonna Rise by Citizen Cope. Listen to it if you have the time…

***

So today I’m confident that the sun is, in fact, going to rise in a mile. Getting there is going to be bit of a bumpy ride, but I’ll manage. One more mile. One more night.

And so it begins.

The story of my life continues. I’ve now come to believe that I will be tested to the core before any kind of happiness comes my way. Yesterday was just one of those days. We have just two nights to go till opening night and then yesterday the world decides to fall apart.

I was in a mood so I decided to do something with my hair (RD’s gonna have a field day with this) so I went over to the salon in the evening and contemplated chopping my hair off. But as I saw it in front of the mirror I realized that I didn’t want to cut it, so under advisement of the salon staff, I decided to straighten it. Before this story gets longer let me ease both your pain and mine by saying they ruined it! Not only did they overcharge me but they also revealed that they don’t take credit cards, after I was done. So I had to rush to the ATM in the taxi I had ordered. When I got to the car park to get the taxi, the security guard there wouldn’t let me leave until I showed him a receipt to confirm that I was indeed at the salon… Apparently my dripping hair that made me look like a great dane wasn’t good enough. So because I was in a hurry, I ended up paying him more than I should have for parking.

Then office kept calling and not just one person but about five people, to ask me if I was coming back because as always, shit had hit the ceiling. I get back to office and find that everything is gone to heck because no one knows what’s happening, in the mean time my hair is all knotted! Add to that, as a result of so many calls my battery died and I couldnt’ speak to anyone. When I got home I realized I was late for rehearsals. If that wasn’t enough, I then discover, while having a shower, that I’ve cut my leg near my bone and it hurt like hell!!!

I finally get to the Wendt for rehearsals and then everything seems to be going well but then I jump on to the stage for a voice balance and pull a muscle between my neck and shoulder blade that leads to excrutiating pain!!! A little after midnight I walked out of the auditorium and sat on one of the staircases and cried my eyeballs out until TMS came along and offered me a warm towel over the injured area.

I got home a little after 1.30 am and fell on the bed and much to my dismay found out that I couldn’t even sleep in peace because it hurt so much to do so. I couldn’t shift or turn, I could only remain in one position the whole night.

We’ve been at this since November, November I tell you and then two nights before opening night this happens!!! I was wondering when Murphy was going to show up… I should have known that being so happy was never a good sign.

Murphy if you’re listening… please dude, spare me this once. I’m not on the brink of a life changing moment, I’m not getting ready to make a huge decision in my lfie and I’m not going to be the next President, I’m merely trying to make all my hard work and effort that has gone into this play pay off!

I didn’t blame you when you came in the way of me and my job.

I didn’t blame you when you came in the way of me and my relationships.

I didn’t blame you when you screwed me over on work so many times.

I didn’t even blame you when I got blamed for things that were not my fault.

You owe me one dude!

Recently I started watching Rome again with my friend Ruveen, who unfortunately didn’t stick around long enough to even complete the first season. There’s this scene in which Octavia talks to her mother Atia about how Pompei has digraced their family by marrying someone else. In a wild rage Octavia screams out: ‘I WANT HIM DEAD!’ to which Atia responds: ‘And that you shall have!’

Have you ever felt that way about somebody? At some point in your life have you come across a person whom you believed was not worthy of being on this earth? I’m going against everything I believe in when I say this but, I have. Needless to say, maybe someone out there feels similarly about me. But have you ever really been consumed with such hate and anger that you would actually want to see someone dead?

If you think about it really deeply you’d see how much it really takes to feel that way. To actually want to see the end of another human life. How horrible! But regardless of how horrible it is, you have to admit, at the time you feel it, it does feel good. Or is that just me?

I can honestly say that I’ve only wanted about six people dead, they include the Mask and Brooke Logan, the other four shall not be named due to them being ‘non-fictional’ characters. But by Hera isn’t that ridiculous?

I’d like to say that I am ashamed of myself for feeling that way but am I really? I don’t know. The strange thing is, sometimes, the reason you feel this way isn’t very good at all. Sometimes it’s just because they piss you off by walking into a room and sitting there. You see them in the other corner of the room and you imagine yourself transforming into Voldermort and sucking their life out before sending them into an astral plane where they will be forced to relive that moment for the rest of their afterlife.

Why?

Bloody hell, I don’t know!

Silk strokes of madness.

Sweet tasting water.

Unbearable heatwaves.

The mood is correct.

The time is now.

A sea of faces, all unknown, kiss the air.

The invisible seduction claws away all inhibitions one by one.

Come to me, set yourself free, a voice calls out.

I want it, I need it.

Subtle glances of undistilled venom fused with drops of sensuality.

The twists and turns of a drugged vampire corrupts the innocence within.

The urges of fornication ring out, biting the oxygen away from my mouth.

Muy bonita! I scream.

Tight whipping, bloody slapping, demonic penetration.

It’s all so ugly, so disgraceful, so evil.

But the nerves throb harder, breath pauses and looks death in the eye asking for more.

The strange tempation grows, unsated, untouched.

It consumes me from within.

Yesterday is calling, tomorrow is waiting, today is in purgatory.

Vulgar creatures cling to my shoulders, they want to salsa.

The dance is exciting, passionate to say the least.

On a bed of water surrounded by sharks I give myself to the night.

When it ravages me I rock to the rhythm and lose the need to love.

Dawn breaks, I curse it and it comes for me.

I see the light.

I see the treacherous light.

It happens, it always bloody happens when I’m doing a play!!! I tend to get so involved with my character that I begin to almost lose myself for the duration of the production. William has begun to takeover and I’m losing a lot of sleep over it too. I feel this constant need to be doing something, to write, to imagine to create… The flow of inspiration is so strong that I can’t handle it. It’s like it’s a sin to be so filled with beautiful ways of approaching things and not do anything about it.

The veil between this world and the one that has gone by seems to be getting thinner everyday… I just hope it doesn’t end up taking me over before opening night, which is only 3 nights away!!!

My weekend started on Friday night, when I partied with the rest of the cast on the beach and got stoned out of my mind… I wanted to go home and sleep but when I did get home at almost 3 am, I found that I couldn’t fall asleep, I missed those idiots and I wanted to be back at the party and then I kept thinking of them, one at a time and I wanted to write stories based on all of them and that kept me up till I had to wake up at 5.30 am and head off for a shoot… But then my darling friends (sarcasm ) TMS and Absent decided to pay me a visit… I was only able to brush my teeth before I had to let them in and then watch Flinstone Kids with them on Boomerang!!! I was annoyed not because they’d come over but because I knew they would go on to hang out and have a few good laughs without me while I was on a shoot, doing work!!!

So after shooting the whole day I get home and try to sleep but I can’t… So I head out to a friend’s place for an anti-valentine’s day party… Hee hee…

In case I haven’t told you guys about Malli (not my half brother), I will do so now. Malli is a two and a half month old Ridgeback. He belongs to my friends Michael and Princo, who are my make believe parents by the way, so logically he becomes my Malli… His name is Rusty, but his complete name is Russell Damian Sam Holsinger (Damian is also my second name and that’s why he has it ok)

So yea, Malli was in extra hyper mood that night and whenever I got up to go somewhere he’d come and stick his head between my feet and try to make me fall and when that failed he would just try to rip my jeans off with his very sharp teeth!!! When all else failed he just placed his head on my lap and asked to be petted. Soon after, I got shit-faced just so I would fall asleep and then  I went home. However, sleep didn’t come… So I got out of bed the next morning and then went for rehearsals and strangely, even though I was so bloody tired everything was fine! I was relaxed and it was all good.

Afterward we went out and got more stoned and then I told trippy stories to a wonderful audience, that was quite cool (I’ve also realized that I’ve been getting stoned a bit too much, just by re-reading this post). So I go home and you would expect me to fall asleep, but I don’t. So the alarm goes off at 5.30 am on Monday and I get out of bed once again to head off on another shoot.

I shoot from 7 am to 5 pm and then go for rehearsals and everything… is fine. Extra hyper and all but fine. Then I go home and… NO SLEEP!

Well… I’m zoinked now, if that’s even a word, but I can’t wait for rehearsals this evening. It’s like my body is dying to stop being me and be Will Shakespeare. It won’t let me rest until it’s time to live on that stage. It’s strange and I can’t fathom it but… It’s true… Weird and true!

Ai yi yi yi yi yi….

‘Oh heavy deed’ is the first line that comes to mind these days when Rajiv walks into the room. It’s one of his lines in the play and he delivers it with such a punch, it’s difficult to decide whether he’s the bad guy or the good guy.

In the real world however, Rajiv really is the good guy (at least I think so ) although he portrays the role of Claude, the inspiration for the character of the same name.

Both his acting and singing talent is a must see for anyone who hasn’t caught him in action before. He brings a certain charisma to the performance that is unique yet perfectly understated.

The reason I want to thank Rajiv is because he’s one of the few people I’ve met in recent times who aren’t afraid to speak a kind word to you.

As far as I’ve known him, he hasn’t had a bad thing to say about anyone and in comparison to me that would make him slightly better than an angel.

This is not just my opinion by the way. Anyone I’ve spoken to about Rajiv seems to have a high opinion of him and I believe that opinion is well deserved.

He has made me realzie that all of humanity isn’t dead, yet and for that too I am thankful.

Rajiv Ponweera will be performing on all nights of the production of Hamelt at Elsie’s Bar as Claude the Barman.

He’ll be pouring drinks from the 20th of February onwards so be sure to catch him on one of those days.

Photograph by Dinindu de Alwis

You don’t expect the sun to smile at you when you live inside a cloud of rain.

You don’t expect stories to have happy endings when you are the wicked witch of the tale.

You don’t expect the wild to be enchanting when you are a hunter looking for his prey.

You don’t expect gifts from mermaids when you live to disprove fantasy.

You don’t expect to be found inside a haystack when you are in fact the needle.

You don’t expect lullabies from the mouths of angels when you’re born in Lucifer’s cradle.

Brandon Ingram

Natalie and I had met on many occassions, some involved radio voicings and at other times it was during an advertising gathering. But my first proper memory of her is when I stepped into the Lionel Wendt for a Venice rehearsal. It was my first and last rehearsal because I decided I had walked into the scene too late. But I remembered Natty from it when we met, not long after, as part of the Chillies Choir!

It was during this time, in 2006, that we first got to know each other. It didn’t take long for us to realize that we were kindred spirits. Our love and knowledge of the ancient crafts, our colorful and disastrously scandalous lives, our broken hearts, these are the things that brought us together as close friends who’ve stayed that way since then.

The funny part is that even though we’re both heavily into drama and even though we’ve both been part of many productions since our first meeting, this is the first time we will be on stage together. Natalie will be playing one of the Rosie Crantzes, the inspiration for the character Rosencrantz and man you should see what she can do with a broom!!!

The thank you I would like to say to her is one that is long overdue. This thank you is for everything from the bottle of Pepe Lopez you and I finished together while crying over our heartache in 2006 all the way to the Chinese Rolls you bought me from Fab when I was hungry at rehearsals just a week or two ago Thank you!

You can catch Natalie Soysa as Rosie Crantz in Hamelt at Elsie’s Bar on the 20th, 22nd, 26th and 28th of February, she will be playing an ensamble character named Olivia on all other nights.

Photograph by Dinindu de Alwis