the black lullaby

When I got home after rehearsalst at 3 am today I walked into my bathroom and looked in the mirror. I looked misserable. My face looked drawn, my hair was ridiculous, my eyes were tearing (ok so maybe I was crying), my throat was messed up and I was falling asleep standing. I wanted to curl up into a corner and disappear, that’s how bad it was.

While I was in this mood I remembered the days when I was a regular church-goer. I suddenly missed all of my church friends and their words and their prayers. As I continued thinking of them I remembered something one of them had once said to me.

I was going through something similar and I asked why God was doing this to me. Why was he sending so many trials and tribulations my way? Why was it that everything I did was turning out to be so wrong? Why wasn’t he protecting me and saving me from becoming a nervous wreck?

My friend smiled and said this: ‘When you are the creator of something you are the only person who knows what it can do, what it is capable of, what it can take and what it can’t. God created you so he knows what your strengths and weaknesses are, what your abilities are and what your limit is. He would never let you go through more than you can handle because no creator wants their creation to be destroyed…’

The kind of strength that rose in me then was most amazing. I thought about the past few days and of everything that had gone wrong and all things that had happened and then I realized that if my friend was right then I was a far stronger person than I gave myself credit for. If God thought I could handle all of this and still be in one piece then who am I to argue? He made me, so he should know right?

I still feel a bit under the weather and I’m still feeling a little depressed, but at least now I know I can take it. I really can.

***

As I walked into work this morning and sat at my desk, I wanted to listen to some music. I wondered what would be approrpriate and I was immediately transported to three years back. The morning after I had made love to someone I really did love with all my heart, I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling. It was a day of complete and utter relaxation. It was a day in which nothing, absolutely nothing could go wrong. My room was the most beautiful place one could have asked to be in. It was surrounded with moments of pure ecstacy and cozy comforts. No one could touch me here. No one could hurt me. No one could say anything that would make me upset. I was happy, in that moment I was probably the happiest I’d ever been. I remember walking out of my room just to say hello to some aunts who had come to visit. They all said that I was glowing, if only they knew, or did they?

I remember sneaking back into my room and locking the door, snuggling back into bed and turning on my DVD player to continue watching season two of One Tree Hill. On one of the episodes they played this song that just connected with my mood so well, I didn’t know why but I just had to stand up and dance… It was a complete feeling of freedom and bliss.

When I got to work the next day I looked the song up, downloaded it and listened to it over and over again. The song is called Sun’s Gonna Rise by Citizen Cope. Listen to it if you have the time…

***

So today I’m confident that the sun is, in fact, going to rise in a mile. Getting there is going to be bit of a bumpy ride, but I’ll manage. One more mile. One more night.

And so it begins.